On Saturday morning, March 20, 2021, the MURMO Thematic Parents’ Club held its third lecture of the year. While weekend mornings are usually packed with activities for many people, on this Saturday morning, numerous parents and professionals set aside their other commitments for two hours to attend the lecture. The lecture was led by child psychologist Eszter Forgács, who earned her degree in England and the United States and has worked as a child-parent therapist. The topic of her lecture was abuse within the family and trauma processing.

Eszter began the presentation with a short meditation that included breathing exercises and relaxation techniques. This was extremely helpful in and of itself, as well as later during the presentation, since these exercises made it easier to absorb and process the gravity and difficulty of the topic. At certain points in the presentation, Eszter reminded us to lean back a little and relax before moving on.

Why is it important to talk about trauma?

Eszter emphasized that talking about traumatic experiences is a crucial milestone in processing trauma, self-acceptance, and self-understanding. During such conversations, we can find answers to questions such as: What caused stress in that situation? How do past events affect the present? Why do we react emotionally in certain situations?

What does “trauma” mean?

Trauma is an event that is emotionally overwhelming, threatening, frightening, and physically or emotionally painful for us. As a result of the traumatic experience, a person feels helpless and vulnerable, unable to defend themselves against it. The stress triggered by trauma overloads our brain, nervous system, and body. A traumatic event can be something that happens to us, but it can also be an event we witness. Trauma can be described along a continuum, with catastrophes such as wars or natural disasters at one extreme—these often lead to post-traumatic stress disorder.

Traumatic life situations can be categorized in several ways. They can be one-time events, such as an accident, or recurring, such as domestic abuse. Active harm can cause trauma, as can passive harm, such as a lack of care.

Acute symptoms of trauma (i.e., those lasting longer than 1 month) include the following: re-experiencing the traumatic event in the form of flashbacks and nightmares, avoidance of places, people, or activities that remind one of the trauma, sleep and attention disturbances, irritability and outbursts of anger, as well as physiological reactions and psychological distress in response to stimuli that remind one of the trauma.

What determines whether an event is traumatic for us?

What becomes a traumatic experience for us depends on numerous factors, such as the severity of the horrors endured, the degree of isolation, the level of vulnerability, emotional and neurological exposure, and age, since young children are more vulnerable than adults, as they do not have as wide a range of coping mechanisms available to them as adults do.

The Window of Tolerance

Eszter then introduced us to the concept of the “window of tolerance,” which essentially refers to stress resilience and is linked to nervous system activity. If the sympathetic nervous system is overactivated in response to an event, the “fight-or-flight” response kicks in; however, if the parasympathetic nervous system is under activated, paralysis and freezing occur. Between these two extremes lies the window of tolerance, within which we feel and think clearly, our stress management functions well, and our nervous system is in balance. The width of the window of tolerance is determined by factors such as our life experiences, genetic predispositions, and our current physiological and emotional state.

Eszter then used short videos to illustrate the “fight or flight” response and the freezing response, before explaining the neurological basis of these reactions by presenting the different parts of the brain, with a focus on the functions of the limbic system and memory processes. This revealed that our brain processes traumatic experiences differently; thus, when memories of traumatic events are triggered, we experience them as if they were happening in the present, and we relive the feeling of loss of control along with them.

The presentation also addressed why we are particularly vulnerable to trauma during childhood: we are at the mercy of adults, our emotional regulation is less developed, and the quality of our relationships also plays a major role in how a child’s brain and nervous system develop.

Our Red Buttons

The “red buttons,” which also gave the presentation its title, refer to situations that trigger a state of heightened alertness (vigilance) in people; while this can be adaptive, it can also persist even when there is no real danger. Red buttons most often arise from situations we have personally experienced, and our reaction is greatly influenced by what we have learned in the past about coping with the situation—the previously mentioned “fight or flight” response, for example, or freezing, suppression. How a parent reacts to these red buttons is also reflected in their children’s behaviour, so the parent-child interaction is also a kind of self-awareness process.

At the end of the presentation, Eszter also introduced techniques that can help in dealing with various situations; for example, relaxation—which is how the presentation began—can help relax the body while in an aroused state; by paying attention to our breathing, we can be more aware of what is happening around us; and engaging in active sports is a useful activity that allows our bodies to unwind afterward.

Eszter Forgács’s presentation was of exceptionally high quality and provided participants with useful knowledge: it helped us understand the scientific background of trauma and trauma processing, allowing us to view the topic from a new perspective in our daily lives.