“No.” “I don’t want to.” “Yes, I do.” Do these words sound familiar? Perhaps we hear them thousands of times a day from our little ones? If so, we probably agree that defiance is one of the most difficult aspects of parenting to handle—and it really puts a strain on our nerves.

As little ones begin to develop a sense of self, they realize they can want something different from their parents and that they have an influence over what happens to them. As time goes on, they exercise their power with increasing confidence and try more and more often to refuse to do what they’re asked or to continue doing what they’re forbidden. Appearances are deceiving: their goal isn’t to drive their parents to an early grave, but rather to gain experiences that are crucial to the development of their personalities. They experience over and over again that they are independent, separate individuals, and that their will has an impact on the world. Of course, just because we know this doesn’t make it much easier as parents to endure and handle these situations well.

Beyond the fact that daily routines are constantly disrupted and every activity takes much longer due to the child’s defiance, negative responses, or occasional refusal to listen, the situation is also emotionally draining because parents are unsure of how to handle it. They worry that if they give in to the little ones too much, they will become unmanageable, spoiled tyrants, and if they restrict them too much, they will be emotionally scarred and unable to assert their will effectively. It is true that neither breaking a child’s will nor being overly permissive leads to anything good; both can have a negative impact on the development of the child’s personality.

Good parenting during this period involves mom and dad setting clear boundaries while allowing their child as much freedom as possible within those boundaries.

Clear boundaries consist of rules that must be followed under all circumstances. Among these are universal rules, such as that the baby must not touch electrical outlets or that hands must always be washed before meals, but every family may have its own rules that are important for the family’s functioning, such as how mealtimes or bedtime routines are handled. It is good for parents to discuss these in detail beforehand and to represent them jointly and in agreement. It is a psychological need for little ones to have stable points in their lives, as this gives them a sense of security. They will still often test these boundaries, but when parents confidently uphold their validity, children accept them and feel at ease, knowing there is order in their world.

Within the framework of the established rules, give the little one as much freedom as possible; let them experience as often as possible that their opinion matters, that their wishes are granted, and that the world is a good and joyful place. Let them rummage through the hat-and-glove drawer five times a day, let them eat the cheese and bread separately, let them open and close the pantry door ten times. We pay for this with a little extra patience so that our child feels good, develops healthily, and there is less room for defiance and resistance.

Of course, we never let our child climb up to the window; we don’t hesitate about how to talk them out of it. However, there are less clear-cut, more difficult situations. That’s when we need those tried-and-true parenting tricks.

What should we do if, for example, our little one won’t let us brush their teeth? We know how important this is for our baby’s health, but what should we do if they shake their head and won’t open their mouth? If we force them, we’ll end up making toothbrushing a negative experience for them, and we’ll likely face a new battle every day. We can try playful solutions: the baby brushes the teddy bear’s teeth while we brush theirs, or we brush the teddy bear’s teeth and praise them lavishly for opening their mouth so skillfully, then the teddy bear sits down to watch as the child says “ahhh.” Afterward, mom, dad, and the teddy bear can burst into cheers and applause to make the toothbrushing worth it. For some, letting the little one pick out a new toothbrush at the store has worked. You can try putting the child in a decision-making situation. For example, according to the evening routine, a story follows toothbrushing: if the little one brushes their teeth, they’ll get a long story, but if they don’t open their mouth for the toothbrush, then they’ll only get a short story—they can decide which one they want.

Instead of open confrontation, it’s better to handle defiant situations in a playful, creative way. We ask the little one to come over so we can put on their shoes, but they run away screaming “no!” If, instead of yanking them into our arms while yelling, we catch them, tickle them, and pretend their feet are hiding in the shoes, the coercion turns into a positive experience and a game. Whenever we have the patience, let’s strive for solutions like these! The key is not to give up on the rule too easily, but never to force the child to follow it. And when they behave appropriately, always praise them and reinforce that what they’re doing is good.