We might think that everyone knows how to raise children, just as everyone knows how to breathe. As parents, we do our best every day, instinctively, just as we breathe instinctively. Rarely do we stop to think about how and what we are doing affects ourselves, our child, or our relationship. What we now consider obvious and right, might shap our relationship thirty years from now, or perhaps backfire later. One parent in our reflective parenting group once described parenting as “the only legal human experiment.” Perhaps this is why it is worth pausing and considering what professionals say today about raising children.

The most common question parents ask psychologists is: “What should I do with my child? How should I solve their problem?” One of the key foundations of reflective parenting is that the solution begins with the parent. The parent is the child’s primary tool for emotional regulation. Discovering the parent’s own emotional state, thoughts, and needs in the moment is one of the foundations of a healthy parent-child relationship. Bulgarian professionals Vessela Aravena and Dr. Camellia Hancheva emphasize this in their presentation as well. In order to properly manage a child’s emotional state, it is important to first understand our own current state and needs.

If I come home tense because, for example, the bus was delayed for an hour, and I am full of frustration and feel helpless due to the pressures weighing on me, then according to my own automatic patterns I may become more explosive, more controlling, or perhaps I will simply give up control and not manage the situations arising with my child at all, letting the child decide everything. Reflective parenting primarily teaches parents to “check in” with themselves, to become aware of the state they are in when arriving home, and then regulate their own emotional state through different means (e.g. tea, rest, a cold or hot bath, lighting a candle, etc.). Different forms of parental self-regulation help us to be more present in the funny, frustrating, frightening, and other challenging situations that arise with our children.

A rule of thumb in emotion regulation is that the stronger an emotion becomes, the less capable we are of mentalizing. This means understanding ourselves, the other person’s state and intentions, and the complexity of the relationship. One end of the emotional spectrum is freezing (e.g. passivity, handing over control, withdrawing from the relationship), while the other is the fight-or-flight state, where we react strongly (e.g. leaving, yelling, making impulsive decisions, etc.). Between the two ends lies the optimal zone, where we are capable of thinking more complexly, remaining curious, and staying in a “not-knowing” mode rather than assuming we fully understand.

Reflective parenting teaches the synchronization of the parent’s and child’s emotional states, which forms the basis of a healthy relationship. It helps parents slow down even in critical situations and “step into the child’s emotional shoes,” including emotions they may not agree with. This can calm the chaos or intense emotional state within the child. Mentalization, the process of reflecting on complex emotional states, already reduces both internal and external tension simply because it requires slowing down. Through the parent’s nonjudgmental, curious, and non-controlling attitude, the child begins to feel seen and understood, even if this is never explicitly stated. Shared mentalization reduces family conflict, changes the child’s behavior, creates calmness at home, and strengthens attachment.

In reflective parenting groups, parents explore how their own mental states affect their children. Together, they think about what may be happening in the child’s mind during difficult situations and what intentions may lie behind challenging behaviors. Group leaders help parents begin to view situations from multiple perspectives. Under strong emotional influence, we tend to become completely convinced either of our own truth or the other person’s truth; we may adopt an “I’ll believe it when I see it” mindset or justify certain actions ideologically while ignoring inner motivations. Under intense emotions, parents may become intimidating, critical, frustrating, controlling, or use coercive methods to achieve their goals.

Parents often fear that empathizing with their child, for example, understanding that the child is angry at a teacher for scheduling a test before a break, will somehow justify behavior the parent sees as wrong, such as the child confronting the teacher. However, this is far from reality. In truth, the child feels seen when the parent understands their outrage. After all, as students, did we ever truly celebrate tests and exams? Through parental understanding, the child develops a clearer image of themselves. Talking about what made them so angry helps them better understand themselves, and through the parent’s curiosity and understanding, the child also becomes more open to understanding the intentions of others, such as the parent or teacher.

Ultimately, the goal of reflective parenting and mentalization is to improve relationships while maintaining parental authority. The purpose of improving the relationship is social learning and the transmission of cultural knowledge from generation to generation, and it matters greatly what kind of knowledge we pass on. Improving reflective functioning is not only about creating a good parent-child relationship, the parent-child relationship also becomes the model for the child’s later human relationships and an important foundation for understanding the world.

An important educational yet scientifically grounded book on reflective parenting has already been translated into Hungarian. In Reflective Parenting by Alistair Cooper and Sheila Redfern, many practical examples illustrate what reflective parenting truly means.

family – child psychiatry – conference – mentalisation