Thanks to the Pro Juventa Foundation, a lecture was held within the framework of the MURMO Psychological and Art Therapy Center by psychologist Dr. Zsuzsanna Mogyorósy-Révész, an expert on the topic. On this occasion, the thematic parent club focused on emotion regulation. The discussion covered the role of emotions, how they can be regulated, what stress does to us, and we received useful advice on how to cope with it. There are situations in which our emotions take control over us, such as during a mental disorder or a crisis state, which can prevent us from adapting properly. The importance of emotion regulation is undeniable, and awareness can help us greatly.

What are emotions and emotion regulation?

We consider emotions to be complex internal processes that arise in situations that are important to us. They function like an internal compass, informing us what a given situation means and whether it is positive or negative. They motivate us and prompt us to act, encouraging us either to move closer to something or someone, or to withdraw.

Feelings can manifest on two levels: on the level of thoughts and on the level of bodily sensations. The latter is more characteristic of children.

Emotions arise spontaneously; we are not responsible for what kind of feeling a situation evokes in us, but we can influence it.

Emotion regulation is one component of self-regulation. During this process, we are able to modify the way feelings arise, as well as their quality, intensity, and duration. There are two forms of emotion regulation: unconscious, that is automatic, and conscious, voluntary emotion regulation.

Emotional Competence

If someone handles their emotions well, they can thank their emotional competence for it. Such a person recognizes and names their feelings, then accepts and contains them within themselves. There are families in which certain emotions are not allowed, or are permitted only for certain family members. Children often do not even notice these “forbidden” feelings, even though every emotion has a function, therefore it is important for us to accept them all. For example, expressing anger can help us establish our boundaries.

Once feelings have been recognized and accepted, they can then be expressed. It is also important to separate the present from the past: when a situation triggers a reaction rooted in the past, it is worth recognizing this and separating it from the “here and now.”

A child’s emotion regulation is determined by the parent’s emotion regulation. For example, if a child encounters a frightening puppet show, the first thing they do is seek connection with their caregiver. If the child sees that the caregiver is calm and alert, the child will also calm down and become reassured that the situation is not dangerous. However, if the caregiver is tense, the child’s emotional state may escalate to a breaking point, and once this point is reached, the child may be overwhelmed by anger that is difficult to reverse.

Within the attachment system, the first and most important goal of emotional life is realized: the experience of safety. For example, the child feels something — they are hungry — and the parent begins to soothe them by saying, “Your tummy hurts because you’re hungry, it’s okay, come, I’ll feed you!”, all in a kind tone of voice while maintaining eye contact. This connection supports the development of self-regulation.

The attachment system is a two-person psycho-biological regulatory system in which, initially, the mother or primary caregiver serves as the source of comfort for the infant. Through continuous and reciprocal interactions, the Internal Working Model (IWM) of emotion regulation develops; this is the mental representation of the relationship between the self and the other person. This model is formed by around one year of age, meaning that by then we already have an idea of how we connect to others. It guides our own emotional regulation and our ability to form intimate relationships in infancy, childhood, and adulthood.

Neurosequential Organization

According to Bruce Perry’s model, the elements of the nervous system are organized and become functional in a specific order, building upon one another sequentially. Therefore, for healthy brain development, the appropriate experiences must occur in the appropriate quantity and at the appropriate time.

First, the brainstem develops, which regulates breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, and body temperature. The second level is the midbrain and the cerebellum, which begin developing between the ages of 1 and 1.5 years, and regulate hunger, sleep, and movement. These first two levels are primarily responsible for regulation.

The next level is the limbic system, which begins to develop around the age of 3. It is responsible for attachment, memory functioning, emotional processing, and emotional responses. It could be called the level of connection.

The level of thinking — the cortical part of the brain — begins to develop by school age. It is responsible for processing values, hope, and the concept of time, and it is the center of concrete and abstract thinking as well as language.

The sequences of development are also stages of vulnerability. The effect on an individual depends on when, for how long, and in what pattern or type a disruption in development occurs. The earlier a young child experiences negative effects, the more fundamental the resulting problems will be.

What Does Stress Do to Us?

According to Hans Selye’s theory, we try to cope with stress, but over time we become exhausted. Stress produces various physical symptoms in us: for example, our heart beats faster, we begin to sweat, and our mouth becomes dry.

The concept of the window of emotional tolerance helps us understand this process. It distinguishes three zones:

Hyperarousal Zone

The individual is ready for struggle, prepared to fight or flee, and energy levels increase. Behavior may include irritability, angry reactions, uncontrolled or self-destructive behavior.

Optimal Arousal Zone

This is the window of tolerance. Here, stress has not yet pushed us out of our sense of safety and calm, nor does it interfere with our ability to connect with others.

Hypoarousal Zone

The person gives up, stops, or freezes, and energy levels decrease. Behavior may include relative sensory numbness, the “freezing” of emotions, and shutdown of cognitive functioning.

Freezing is common in childhood, since in many situations we are too small to cope with overwhelming stress.

During a stress-induced crisis, support may come from peers and relationships — this is social support — from ourselves through self-regulation, or through transcendent connection. The goal is to return to the calm zone.

Resilience

Resilience means successfully adapting to threatening circumstances and being characterized by flexibility: after stress, we quickly return to our original state, and the effects of stress subside rapidly. This may be due to our self-healing capacities functioning well and/or to our ability to experience positive emotions even in difficult situations.

Whether someone is resilient depends on several factors: their personality, their family, and their broader social and societal environment. Resilience is influenced by genetics, temperament, cognitive abilities, coping capacity (experiences, age, maturity), self-regulation, self-confidence, optimism, and faith. Regarding family factors, the relationship between parent and child, the presence of secure attachment, and support from relatives may all be important. Social influence depends on peers, friends, supportive mentors, and communities.

Emotion Regulation

We can speak about primary, secondary, and universal emotion regulation.

Primary emotion regulation begins already in the womb through thumb-sucking and swallowing. Rhythm calms us, whether through breathing, walking, rocking, swimming, rhythm, or dancing. Secondary emotion regulation can be learned; it is a slower process connected to the development of the cerebral cortex. There is a level of tension that we may not necessarily be able to regulate, which is why it is worth practicing emotion regulation techniques.

Universal regulation refers to dissociation, which comes into operation during painful and unavoidable experiences.

In the following section, I will describe Zsuzsa’s advice, which may help with emotion regulation. The first step is to notice and become aware of the state we are in. For this, Zsuzsa recommends taking a 5-minute break two or three times during the day. We are often inclined to function in “robot mode,” and even simply pausing a few times during the day can help a great deal. We may ask ourselves: What is happening right now? How do I feel? If necessary: What could I do to feel better? This can help us recognize our needs (for example, that we would like to move around a little), notice what is around us (and connect with others), decide how much energy and time to devote to certain activities, and make better decisions.

In the second step, we speak about emotion regulation itself. The goal is to create change, and the question is: how? We must consider two aspects: what our current state is — whether we are in the hyperarousal zone or the hypoarousal zone. The other aspect is choosing the method that works better for us: primary or secondary emotion regulation.

With regard to this, in the “volcano state” (hyperarousal), breathing exercises, physical activity, progressive relaxation, and autogenic training may be useful on the bodily level. On the cognitive level, tasks that require working memory and attention, “containerization,” or the spiral technique may help.

In the “iceberg state” (hypoarousal), grounding exercises involving the senses, body-contact exercises, and breathing exercises may help on the bodily level. On the cognitive level, self-compassion exercises (connecting with one’s own negative and positive thoughts) and imagination exercises (imagining a safe place or resource) can be beneficial.

The immediate goal is to apply exercises appropriate to the current state, while the preventive goal is to build a toolkit from these exercises and thereby develop emotion regulation skills.

It is important to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfishness. Practicing these exercises daily helps with successful stress management, short- and long-term health preservation, and creating balance between private life and work or studies.

A Few Exercises in More Detail

During conscious breathing, the following sentences are repeated:

“I breathe in, and I pay attention to the fact that I am breathing in. I breathe out, and I pay attention to the fact that I am breathing out.”

Or:

“I breathe in, and I know that this feeling (for example, despair) is within me. I breathe out, and I know that this is only a feeling, and that I am much more than a feeling.”

During the container exercise, we imagine a box in front of us into which we place everything that is disturbing. The disturbing feelings and thoughts are thereby moved farther away, and at the end we summarize the experience with a keyword that represents a feeling of safety for us.

During self-compassion practice, we proceed through three thoughts. The first thought is that this situation is causing me suffering right now. The second is that suffering is part of life; I am not the only one experiencing it. The third thought is that I feel compassion toward myself and accept myself because this is what I need right now. I ask myself: What could I do for myself at this moment?

For example, we may imagine how a kind acquaintance would behave toward us in this situation, or imagine a friend and think about what we ourselves would do for them in the same situation. Zsuzsa recommended practicing these exercises daily.

On the subject, she also recommended her own book, “Emotion Regulation in Practice”, which we also warmly recommend.